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September 22, 2022 marks the first day of fall. I have a request, if I may? You know that September through December are my favorite months of the year. I love seeing the changes happen all around me. The smell of cinnamon engulfing the stores and the joy of people happy about spending time with those who matter most. DECKING THE HALLS! But you also know that this is the time where I face my deepest depression, where I feel the loneliest. So, my request is that this year, instead of me taking care of others.... and making sure that everyone else is okay. That someone takes care of me. Even if it's just me and you. Show me how to get through this season with God's love on my side. Show me how to be tender with myself during this time. This time last year you were still pruning me. Changing me. Shaping me. This season, however, you have filled in the gaps of my brokenness. I won't ask you for the best Fall/Winter EVER but I am asking that this holiday season is filled with peace in my heart, warmth of the hearth and love shown to me. Show me how to prioritize that this fall. God, whoever reads this, no matter what season (personal or physical) that they are in. I want them to know that you see them and hear them, too. That they are never alone when they're riding passenger with you. That it's okay! I'm still fighting this thing out, too. I pray that we are still able to function in our seasons of sorrow, depression, grief, or anything else. This season is different because we have invited you to join us. That we will maintain and keep building the things that we have started in previous seasons with tenderness and an abundance of grace for ourselves and others. We don't overcompensate for what we don't have to give. We will do more than survive the season! We will be encouraged and loved in it too! Ya Girl, Troy XOXO

September 18, 2022 Dear God, I had started writing in my personal journal about this to you, but I felt the need to share a bit with the world. I hope you don't mind. God, this is when things get harder to deal with. When we cannot see and we can only rely on patience and grace to get through this part of the storm. We can only "sit tight" and wait for the winds to stop blowing and the water to be calm again. This is the part where I doubt if I am hearing you correctly or am I caught in my own desires trying to force this part of the story to go the way I see fit. I don't want that. As much as I tell myself to remain patient and calm, this assignment. This job is draining all the strength I have left. I watch as the time gets closer for me to clock in and I begin to cry. My strength leaves me. The only thing that keeps me going is calling upon your strength and it makes me question... "Why God?" I have let you prune me, renew me, and change in a matter of a year and counting and it has been far from easy. When will the blessings fall? When will I see the change physically? When will it be my time to move on from these things? The work you have done in my spirit, I lost 30 pounds from walking, but when will my sacrifices be rewarded? My vulnerability, and even though I cried and fussed, I still got up and did the things you wanted- so when? These temporary moments of rest get me through the days, but I want to be able to soar God. I want to be able to keep up with all the things you've called me to do. This feels like it's in my way, like it's blocking me from seeing something important. Something I need to see or know. I hope that makes sense. I guess this all feels like being in the dark about a surprise party. You hate to feel disoriented, and only to be surprised by what will turn into the greatest memory of your life. I hope so. I love you this much! Your Child, Troysha B. H. Giggans

God taught me the true love of a father, before restoring the relationship with my human father. Here are some things I've been learning from both. Blessed is the man who decided to be better than what he seen. No matter how hard it is or was. But when he decided to change. He made the decision and stuck to it. Truth is.... Everyone Needs their Daddy. Currently sitting in my secret place, playing gospel at 1:13 am on a Monday, chopping it up with God. I don't remember what me or God said (Holy spirit things!) But I wrote down a father's love. I quickly grabbed my laptop and began to formulate this into words. My Dad was the first man to fail me. But he was also the first man to show me what it looks like when God redeems you. My dad and I hadn't always had a rocky relationship. Truthfully, when I was really young, my dad would spend time with me. We would go to the park and he's the person who taught me how to climb trees and taught me how to have a good time. It was fun, and I loved my dad, but then I noticed he wouldn't come over to see me, but to sit and talk with my mom and only my mom. I became what felt like an option. I wasn't interested in being an option to my dad. Eventually, other things transpired and by the time I was 11, I was done having a father in my life. I tried to reconnect with my dad after my mom died. The things that transpired that Day broke me. It broke my heart in ways I didn't know it could. It sealed the seal on our relationship. A year or so passed and my dad called me one day after a health crisis, and said he was dying and needed my help. I was conflicted. So I called my oldest brother, and I talked to God. I only felt peace after I decided that whether my dad lived or died, I would be fine without him. When the time came for God to show me his love and grace. To show me what a father's love actually felt like. I was astounded. It was something I never knew I needed. Sure, I was blessed with father figures in college. All of my male mentors are like my dads and uncles. But this, this was different. I finally felt what is like to have a father. To be covered and cherished. To be counseled. Little did I know, my father was praying for the restoration of our relationship. God told me to call my dad. He told me to tell him everything. When I called, this was the first time I told my dad, in essence, that he had failed me. I said, 'if you want this relationship to work you have to let go of me being your "baby girl." We can't make up for lost time. I am not a child anymore. Right now, I need you to meet me where I'm at. I'm not interested in any relationships where it feels like dead weight. If I feel like I am putting more work in to this relationship Daddy, I'll be done.' It opened the door for healing. Not simply because my dad said, "okay, we can try it your way." But I knew this time. If my dad failed me, GOD will never let me lack in that area again. It opened the door for my dad to see the cycle with his own dad. In his own life. The best gifts my Dad gave me was an apology and him saying, "I wish someone would've told me to stop chasing everything around me. That I had a child, a baby girl, and I needed to focus on that." This was far more valuable in my eyes than telling me he loved me, but an apology I didn't realize I had been waiting to hear. When God took over, I was okay with never receiving that, but he gave it to me, anyway. My relationship with my dad is still up and down, but I am more than willing to learn how to love him and vice versa. But the GLORY goes to God. I have a forever father, and he covers and teaches us both new things about each other. He loves both of us. Forever.

Is it me, or God's block game is extra lethal? Is it just me or do you feel you can never catch a break? God, Block Game is Mighty and Strong God has me crying sometimes. I think something is for me, pray and then BLOCK! I will be so mad. I'm like God. Why?! The truth is people are being tested daily. Situations change when someone makes a decision that is not in alignment with God. This example is something I wrote a few months ago: One day, God told me to submit my two weeks' notice at my old job. I started telling people I had a salary job at X company. I didn't get it. When I was offered the position a year ago. I wasn't ready. But Now? I was ready for MORE! It was a full-circle moment. I prayed, and The Lord confirmed it was for me, and I got into the interview. It did not go the way I expected it to. I cried. It made me feel like I wasn't worthy. It made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything more than working these "part-time" retail jobs God's Covering Some people would immediately start questioning God. I can understand why, but I had grown to a certain level of wisdom and understanding that I knew there was a reason behind this no. I was like, 'God, did I not do a good job? Did I not prepare enough? WAS THIS NOT FROM YOU? WAS I TRICKED?' Honestly, the answer came a few weeks later in prayer. "thank you for protecting [TROYSHA] from X company. We don't know why, God, but we thank you anyway." That's when it clicked. I sat back after the prayer and replayed the interview and the email she sent after I asked for feedback. She was rude and acted like that was"just business" people. I know now that you can be in leadership and still have compassion. "You think I want to work for a company like that?" GRATITUDE IS THE ATTITUDE! To some of you reading that example, you might think it's not that big of a deal. God knows us better than we know ourselves, and God saying "no" is not a bad word. In this case, God was positioning me for my new job. That block saved me from what would've cost me so much heartache! Sometimes we look at what God blocked instead of the protection in it. I know I am moving UP! God always has our best interests. God LEVELS UP- not down. The only time he'll set you back is so he can propel you forward! I hope you gained something today! SEE YA in the Next one! * Written on August 8, 2022, and edited on March 27, 2023.

There are 3 parts to 'The Deep' Series. Vulnerability, the call, and redemption. I like to start heavy and then work myself up to the light. I hope you stick around to see more. The hardest thing you will ever have to do is look in the mirror and say I love you to the things you cannot stand about yourself. I used to tell myself all the time that I hated myself. I would refuse to look at my reflection and when I did, boy could I could see the heartbreak. I was told I was a lot of things like smart, stupid, pretty-ugly, Immature, wise, patience, selfish.... What should I believe? Deep down I knew I wasn't all of those things, but if all these people are telling me I am, maybe they're right. Originally... This is what I was going to lead with, but you know God always brings things back around for further wisdom and understanding. You vs You to me can be defined as: the perception of the "You" people (including yourself) see and the "YOU" God called you to be. No longer would I struggle with this because I have rediscovered the things God has placed inside of me. Coming back to this post, I was writing from an old perspective. This is a picture of me at the Beginning of this Year February 20,2022. Where I cried the whole week leading up to my 24th birthday, and thinking those same thoughts. Heck, I cried the entire weekend. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to know that I was good enough. We have a way of letting other people's opinions pull us every which way. I didn't even feel worthy of God's help. I felt worthless in this world. Like, how can God pull out anything good from me? There's nothing good about me. Was the "YOU" God picked out was going to be anything special? (That lets you know how bad it was.) I wanted to be a gift to myself. Would I be in better shape than who I was at that moment? It always felt like something got in the way whenever I decided that this broken, insecure version of myself no longer suited me. This YOU that everyone loved OR hated, I wanted no parts of it. Thing is, God wanted to shape me into someone I never seen before. How does she carry herself? Did she lose her fire? (ABSOLUTELY NOT. I'M STILL A FIRE CRACKER...WITH LOVE!) Does she finally, finally, have boundaries with people that she needs to and not feel bad about choosing herself first? I am gratified that God forced me to face all of those ideals outside of his will for me. This version I am living in... Is so much stronger, kinder, fired up, compassionate, and willing to admit that she was wrong! I will never be perfect. I am not JESUS! But this "You" I'm living in is so much better than anything I could imagine. I took this photo almost a week ago. (Time is a construct it could've been two.) Look at how God got me shining! It's always hard letting go of what we know, who we know ourselves to be, but if I could go back and tell the version of myself that I was 7 months ago, that God truly loves her and knows what he is doing! I think she would've trusted the process a bit more. I am happy that I allowed God to work in me and now I am a gift to myself. Don't question what kind of work God can do for you, pooh! The proof of the pudding is in the eating! XOXO TROY <3

WE are each created to do magnificent things. God plans our life down to the detail, and you have to recognize who you were created to be. Hey, If you are new here, please check out our ABOUT ME post so you may have a better understanding of what this blog is about and how you can grow in your connection with God. Who am I? Am I even worthy of God's love? Every Time I Come to this blog I sing 'Man in the mirror' That mirror is something serious. I'm talking about God. God doesn't put you under when he's doing heart surgery on you! It's painful and very messy for the surrounding people, and the aftermath leaves your heart tender but new. I want to share a piece of the poem I wrote not too long ago about this. A poem to God: August 13, 2022 I have yet to know a soul who didn’t get lost along the way. To the tender hearted soul. The one who carried too many people in their heart. To the soul that accidentally played God in people's lives. I will not lose my capacity of love. Looking for the answers in all the wrong hearts. Writing distinct possibilities into one scene of my life. Who are you? Who was I for all those years? I asked God this. Who was I expecting everyone around me to be when- truth be told, I had unrealistic expectations of myself? Shoot, I couldn't even be consistent with my health all the way around. Ignoring when I didn't feel good, overworking myself, and pushing myself well past what I was comfortable doing. Violating my own boundaries... and the list continues. Real talk, how was that not a reflection of the attributes that some of them exhibited? I want to expound on playing God. This is a newfound revelation from old situations but "Mrs. C," told me, 'Ms. Troy, it's not your job to carry people in your heart. That's God's job." I had been writing since 2021 that I kept too many people in my Garden (heart) that I had no room for my own dreams, love, and growth. That I was going to clean the house and make room for my new seeds. (Sheesh, if God isn't in the details...) So, 2022 hits, God tells me this year is all about self-love. I was like, but God, I love myself! You've taught me how to love myself through you! Truth is, I loved God in me, but I still felt worthless. It felt like God would only call me to counsel other people to minister and that I had to be satisfied with only that. I used to tell people all the time, 'God has something more for you!' But then get sad because I didn't feel like there would be anything else beyond that for me. I would remain broken, getting the bare minimum, and I would have to watch other people excel and I would remain the same. Girl no! It's hard for me not to get emotional writing this. This stemmed from my putting other people above me for years. I would bend over backward to be someone's stepping stone. I was taught to do that from my experiences in life: to love everyone else more than I should ever love myself. Despite knowing differently. Despite knowing and seeing them, use me. God showed me I was still a hot hallelujah mess of emotions and couldn't see it. It was deeper than that. God said, "No sweet girl, I want to give you a full life, too. YOU DESERVE IT. I love you TOO. You are not secondary, but someone who holds her own space. That's what I am teaching you. You are no one's stepping stone." I never was supposed to be that! God wanted me to be confident and KNOW I could be front and center. That I was strong enough to hold my own. No more sitting in the background waiting for my chance to hit the stage. It was my time to shine. This is why it all starts with you. It's about sustaining everything-EVERYTHING God has for you. I would've destroyed every promise, and every dream I ever had because of my insecurities. If I continued to feel worthless, continued to feel like my worth only came from helping other people excel, then I would never have a more fruitful life. I would've done exactly what the enemy wanted me to do - self-sabotage. I cannot see God's full plan for my life. Child, I don't want to either. I am just happy to realize that I can be loved by God all on my own. It amazes me at this current level how I rest in God. How I lean on God, and how I still minister to others without sacrificing myself because of God. God taught me how and why it should always start with me! This season, as in right now, is me truly exhibiting self-love while living in the true love of God. AND I LOVE IT!